Wednesday, March 26, 2008

How to find yourself a soulmate

If you are under 30 or are looking for a below 30 soulmate but haven't yet found one or are currently thinking that the one you did find isn't exactly it, well, help is at hand. I have now discovered a foolproof way of finding yourself the perfect soulmate.

No you don't have to tell me your birthdate, or birth sign or wear rings and medallions with ancient looking (but Made In China) symbols. There is no magic, no hawans and definitely no saadhus, astrologers or yogis to consult. I'm the one stop shop to the answers and the answer is dead simple:

The only way to find a soulmate is to write their MBA application.

No kidding. I recently had to go through this experience with my girlfriend of 8 years and believe me, there were STILL things I didn't know about her and I don't mean it in the "i want to know about your high school crush" way because heck I AM that high school "Crush" :)

If you think a passport or PAN Card or a job application is comprehensive, an MBA application is all of those together and then some. While passport and PAN card forms merely ask about your basic details about where you live, whats your mothers name etc. and a job application focusses on what you have achieved and a cellphone number they can reach if they wanna call you, an MBA application will ask for all that and more. It insists that they cannot give you admission unless and until you have your entire life charted out in powerpoint and excel right down to the moment immediately preceding the moment you die.

It's fucking ridiculous but its descriptive as hell. If there was a time when your mate bought an old lady flowers and helped her cross the road, it will be on the application. The lousy 3rd grade student he defeated in tennis? Yup, that will be a tournament written about in such glorified fashion that you'd think it was Pete V/s Agassi.

So you see, not only will you be absolutely aware of the honest truth, you and he will sit together glorifying it. This is important because in future when he boasts about how he kicked ass in the office Pool tournament, you know exactly what must've happened.

The application doesnt end there, you also have to explain in explicit detail as to why exactly you should be admitted to a b-school which expects you to know everything before hand and will merely provide a "multi-cultural environment for growth" which is basically similar to a subway ride in any major city in the world minus the sweat and smell.

But I digress. The fact that the applicant (aka your prospective soul mate) will remember things from decades ago with vivid detail and emotion ensures you will never have the nasty surprise that your husband is gay. Sitting and writing an application with him would clear that up for you.

BTW, just to be sure, if you have been going to him in the evenings to help with his applications and he hasn't been trying to get in your pants, there are only 2 possibilities:
1. He is gay
2. You are ugly betty

If anyone tried getting in your pants before this guy/girl then you can pretty much rule out option 2.

And if you are wondering HOW to get him to ask your help for an application, well, if he hasn't asked you himself, that should be a ridiculously big hint that you guys(or girls or a mixture thereof) AREN'T soulmates. Jeez!

Oh incase you're wondering what's with the "below 30" thingy, well, if you are 30 or above and THEN going to college for 2 years, never mind, you are no one's soulmate.